through the looking glass

1) Love yourself. Trust me. Always be secured about yourself. I’ve been slut shamed and made fun off but I don’t even fucking stutter when I say I do like orgasms and I like arctic monkeys and would replay ‘do I wanna know’ over and over again. Once you feel secured about yourself you won’t take anyone’s shit and words can’t hurt you because you don’t let people’s shitty definition effect who you are and all the things you like.

2) Regarding sex, sex is good. Sex is nice but if I could turn back I’d tell myself to find someone who wants to know ME and not my body. It’s fun and exciting but if you’re someone not capable of handling emotions, don’t. If you’re gonna lose your virginity because all your friends are not virgins. Don’t. You deserve a good first time and always do it when you are READY not because of peer pressure. If you’re sexually successful, ignore the slut shaming. Its okay to admit you like sex and don’t try to justify why you like it with pointless reasons.

P/s girls never sleep with a guy if he says ‘let’s do it without a condom’ or ‘shit I forgot to bring the condoms’. It protects you from so many things that potentially can happen.

3) People come and go. It could be that person you kissed in a bar and had a good time with or it could be a friend you had for 3 years. Regardless, people are temporary but at the end of the day leave all those sorrows about why you don’t talk to each other anymore behind and remember the good times you had when you had the chance.

4) The value of your work is never determined by how many likes you get on a picture you took of the sunset on your last holiday or praise from your boss. When I first started this blog I was always comparing myself to other bloggers but as time passed I realized that I had this blog because I like to write my thoughts and feelings and it made me happy . No matter how many views I get , I’d still update this blog and do what I love . So yeah, having your writing and work appreciated is a good feeling but don’t get carried away with the feeling of needing someone to validate your work.

5) Everyone has different views on things. There are a billion people on this planet earth and some may agree with you and some may not but you must learn to accept it and respect it. I don’t care if you don’t support gay people, tell me why you don’t and I’d respect it and give my views on why. You’re a Christian? Cool it’s good to have something to believe in life and live a Christ like life. I’m not gonna laugh at you and say your religion is fake but I have my own beliefs which I hope you’d respect as well.

6) Lastly, the older you grow, the more you will change. You will travel to new places, meet new people, fall in love, fall out of love, get a job and I shit you not but things get tougher as you grow older But The possibilities with how your life will turn out and shape you into a person are endless so please please please be alive to see this happen .No matter how tough things are along the way, You can do this.

It’s been a long time since I wrote , mostly because I’ve been super busy with things like studies and the fervor of music and books ( I don’t know If used the word in a correct manner but I learnt it today) . I deactivate my facebook account from time to time because nothing really interests me apart from hoping that I’ll get messages in my inbox which never seem to happen because I really am someone that cease to exist permanently or at least for 5 months in people’s lives. I don’t think I have ever been in a relationship or friendship without trying to sabotage it which really frustrates me at times.

Anyways, I bought some books from MPH when I went to scan some documents. What was supposed to be a harmless browse through the nonfiction section turned out to cost me RM40 for martin Luther king’s book and Leo Tolstoy’s ‘Anna Karenina’ which I am enjoying so far with vanilla milkshake from Pods.

I’ve also been trying to finish Emil cioran’s on a heights despair and Fyodor Dostoyevsky’s ‘the idiot’. I’m half way through Emil cioran’s essay on death and I have to admit that we do seem to have a similarity. The usage of words in his essay are extremely grotesque and full of eloquence when it comes to describing his disgust pertaining to the question of life and death. I was actually introduced to Emil cioran by Jonathan a philosopher I met from tinder and we had a good time reading about botany and discussion about sexuality and bad politics (the rest was just bonuses).

“Emil cioran is the most depressing man you’ll ever read about”

True but I agree with Emil’s take on the meaning of life that after a while life loses all its essence and all we do is either survive or search for some sort of meaning to make living worthwhile. Anyway, if we happen to meet I’d be happy to explain to you and tell you about Emil and maybe some Schrödinger over coffee or beer. Not that I am a show off or some shit but I’m just happy to tell people about it.

Maybe I’ll write more about Emil cioran and post my 60s playlist up this Monday when I’m free.

Currently I’ve been over playing bee gees //run to me

P/S: i took that picture after buying myself white flowers(they're actually for the dead but im dead on the inside anyways so whatever).One week later my misogynist english literature lecturer said that its weird for a woman to buy herself flowers instead of receiving it from a significant other in class and i was pissed. Oh and beneath the flowers is my james dean canvas poster which i love dearly and bought for RM10 :)

‘I think there are better carvers and artists than me’ he says. I was on my second glass of beer and nothing pisses me off than negativity when I am downing alcohol. Nevertheless, I understood where he was coming from. That feeling of never being good enough at what you do is the most demotivating thing ever and something that brings you down and make you feel less special in what you are passionate about.

Growing up, I’ve always had this dream of being a fashion designer. I remember snipping out pages from magazines and pasting them in my special book when I was a child. For show and tell , I brought few of my designs to show the class and I was really proud of myself .That night , I vowed to myself that one day I shall be a great fashion designer and see mannequins, models and people wearing my designs. But As I grew older I kept changing my mind on what I wanted to do in the future from engineering to being an art director and even being a sex therapist (seriously) but that love for designing was always in my heart.

That dream never became a reality though because I was always comparing myself to other people and felt like my work would be nothing compared to the others in the fashion industry. I was afraid that I wasn’t good enough. There were people out there who had better sketching techniques than me and better ideas than me and just like that I watched my 17 year old self let my 7 year old dream go just like that. As I sat in the bar that night , I realized that between the both of us (me and him) I was the pathetic one because I never pursued and took a risk at what I had an absolute passion for. If I really loved it, wouldn’t I be brave enough to take the risk and do whatever it takes to be a hella good fashion designer regardless of the outcome? Although fashion designing has been my passion, writing has also been a passion of mine since I was 13. `

I am planning to major in English in University and honestly I have learnt that in life when it comes to what I like to do:

1) I need to stop comparing myself with other people and think I am never good enough at what I am doing. There will always be people who would have better writing techniques and a wider range of vocabulary than me but I need to focus on my work and what I think I am good at.

2) If I am ever going to look at other peoples work, it would be for inspiration and something that motivates me to be better and improve myself.

3) Passion is the most important thing in my opinion. Regardless whether i fail, passion in what I do will always motivate me to pick myself up.

So , a little advice here, as cliché as it sounds , if you have passion for it ,do it man.

Recently, my anxiety has worsen and there are days when i stay in my room for hours. I remember very clearly like it was just yesterday back in december before the guy i dated left to australia i couldn’t breathe in bed and i locked myself in the toilet for an hour trying to calm myself down and he was so afraid i felt bad. It wasn’t the fear of being left but the fear of having someone too close to me. Im not one to stay in peoples lives for long . its all usually very ephemeral. brief and vague. Its a very odd feeling for me to go out for coffee with someone and talk about books and music . Im not saying i use people but i like to think of myself as a mayfly in peoples lives. I’ve gotten so used to this solitary life since i was a child. So yes, when i write FOR people and let them close to me , i feel afraid because its like they’re invading this personal space of mine but at the same time i want them to see it, to see my passion and all my deep feelings.

I think i’m single a lot because i’m so afraid of letting people into my life. Its very easy to let someone see you physically naked but emotional nudity is what makes you attached and leaves you afraid that they would judge you. I know i’m only 18 but its scary.Its all fun and games and then you come home to a cold bed and left alone with disturbing thoughts and a deep realization about how alone you have been .Ive met men who are still 28 and still have not found the ‘one’. The thought of having to wait that fucking long scares me and this confuses me because as much as i do want to spend my life with someone special, i am afraid of letting people into my life and letting them see all those flaws and that i’m not able to be a good other half for them because i think if someone chooses you to be their other half , you should give them the stars and the moon because c’mon the most fragile part of every human is, the heart

Im listening to frank sinatra while writing this and realizing that my frivolous ways has changed me into someone who is not capable of letting people stay in her life . I have met someone i quite fancy . I dont know if he would ever read this but he probably would think this is another one of my fleeting 18 year old crush that i have. Honey, youre wrong. so wrong.

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through the looking glass

Update

life lessons

vietnam

james dean and bee gees week

side note: death

action and passion

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